Have you ever found yourself in a poorly-funded monster movie and you don’t know if you’re going to get through the movie alive? Well, don’t worry! JungleTrek is here to help! By following these few tips in my survival guide, you should be just fine…

-  First off, If you are going on a trip, you can avoid problems right from the beginning by actually researching the destination you are doing to. For instance, camping in woods directly next to an insane asylum might be a stupid idea. Also, avoid places that have legends and ghost stories attached to them. Go camping in Central Park. The worst that can happen in Central Park is you could mugged for your Spam.

- If there is a very annoying, bratty child (usually a girl) who knows more about the creature then anyone else, make sure you befriend this child as best you can because she will be alive and unharmed at the end of the movie. The reason for this being that Hollywood has deemed it inappropriate to have children hurt in monster movies, even if they deserve to be bashed in the face. (Which almost ALL of them do.) So if you hug the child close to your body, you will be safe. After the creature is dead or sent to hell, feel free to kill the child too, as the child won’t be able to resist delivering a final line that will ruin the whole movie, if it hasn’t ruined it already.

- If you’re standing in a group that consists of five or less Asian men who are glancing around the room like scared hamsters, you are all about to be killed.

- Never do anything that begins with you turning to the main characters and saying: “I’ll be right back, guys. I just have to leave the safety of the group, go into the dark woods, and do something totally pointless that will probably get me killed. Come find my body when I start screaming in a few minutes…”

- This is a tip for the military. Use the ultimate weapon on the monster at the beginning of the disaster instead of at the end. You might save lives and time!

- Never, EVER be the best friend of the main character. You might as well slit your throat now and get it over with. (This also applies to people with silly-sounding names that end in “y” or “ie”. Names like “Buddy”, “Johnny”, “Sally”, “Betty”. “Tommy”, “Willie”, “Ernie”, or “Bucky” just mean that you are the comedy relief who NEEDS to be killed before the movie ends.)

- If it comes to the point where your group is choosing to send one person for help, you have a 50/50 chance of surviving if you go. The two possible outcomes of this scenario are:

OUTCOME 1. You will make it to civilization, fetch the police, and arrive back at the very end of the movie, after the creature is dead and all the dirty work is done. You get to wave a flashlight around and hug the main characters who will have just moments ago blow up the creature and are half dead and say to them: “It’s ok. It’s all over now.” At which point, the credits will begin and Cate Blanchett will accept another Oscar.

OR

OUTCOME 2. The main female character, while breathing hard, trying to escape the monster, after she has somehow become separated from the main male character, will turn quickly and scream as she finds your dead body, horribly mutilated. At this point, no one watching the movie gives a crap about you as a person anyway.

- If you know how to kill the monster or creature. Do NOT mention anything about it until the last quarter of the movie. If your try to tell anyone before the last quarter, you will be killed before your can finish your senten…. AHHHHHHH!!!!!

- And finally, a word to the girls: Wear reinforced clothes that won’t rip off at the slightest pin-drop. Avoid short skirts as the director will be constantly trying to film up them as you are crawling through the mud trying to escape from the monster. And if the creature is looking to mate with you, simply put him through what you usually put guys through when they ask you for the same thing in bars. (The creature won’t have a chance.)

You Buddy,

JungleTrek

This entry was posted by JungleTrek on Thursday, May 21st, 2009 at 3:51 pm and is filed under Entertainment, Guides, Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.